One of my good friends just got engaged to the love of her life.  She’s marrying her first love!  How inspiring and sweet is that?  I know the extent of their relationship and it wasn’t exactly all glitz and glamour either, but they did it.  They’ve worked at it to make it work — that’s love. They went through a lot together but they made it through…  <3.  it’s inspiring to dreamers like me… It’s not going to happen but a girl can dream right?

I want a love like that…that tests time, heartbreak and more but remains intact and strong.    I want to be that lucky!  One day I will, maybe not with my first love, but someone more deserving of me.  Maybe!  maybe!

Honestly, I’m kidding.  I’m done for the year though.
I just wish that every day I will become stronger.  I wish that every sign that once meant something to me about a certain someone will cease to exist and mean nothing to me.  I wish him nothing but success, love, health, and happiness.  I wish to find more patience.. I wish to grow some more.  I wish to be a better person.

I wish that my new focus on my myself will rake in grandeur things .  I’m ready to take the plunge even if I’m all by myself =D.

To the SINGLE me, I LOVE YOU .

Thanks for the prayers…maybe even Karma .  My luck has definitely turned.  I am content with my life… I can almost say I am happy .

Yay to having a job!  Woo hoo!  And the cool thing is I am using my “skill”..  I mean how cool is that?

=D

whatever you make of it.

Although I may not be doing well on the job/financial front, I can honestly say I am content with the other areas in my life (I know I am just re-iterating the previous),

Today was monumental.  Even though it was a beating on my character, it was something I needed to do.  This is in reference to the fact I now have told my mother .   When I bring up the story it still brings tears to my eyes…  still, I have to admit I’m becoming more desensitized.

I have learned a lot about myself these past few months…and as for my heart?  Well, it’s intact.  It’s warm.  It’s still beating.   It’s welcomed someone in…  but who knows where it’ll go. 

I believe I pretty much have bad karma because clearly I am “unlucky” in love.

Today my mom says to me that marriage isn’t something you just throw away without working at it.  She believes the reason I gave her was “petty” but SHE CLEARLY has no idea why I left.  Should I tell her?  You know the real reason.
It just took me by surprise that she would ask me if J and I were completely over…  maybe she thinks I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.  She even brought up karma and that maybe my next guy would be a cheating asshole.  Wow.  That’s something.

I guess my mom doesn’t want me to be unlucky in love and I  she’s still rooting for J and I to work out.  Because as she said to me, “He’s genuine.”  And she’s right, “he’s genuine.”

But you know, some mistakes are just so unforgivable… some mistakes you can’t forget. And you know I tried.

Oh, well… hopefully, I feel better soon.

I definitely have a lot to be grateful for!

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”–Anonymous

What gets me through the day are quotes…  Yes, quotes!  It makes me feel less alone.  It’s good to know that other people have entered the “darkness” and made it through.  Sometimes we like to cling onto the darkness, or worse yet, retreat to the past, refusing to see what’s on the other side.  Despondency can take a hike… for now.
I’ve been keeping myself busy.  I’m whipping myself into shape, reading, writing, and studying a lot more.  I’ve even picked up cleaning and organizing…  It’s just interesting on how much you can accomplish in a day .  My social life has improved and I just started a Physics study session to take place every Sunday.

Right now, as I write this, my soul feels content, but when I start thinking about all the things that could be… my worries and doubt consume me..  But I am looking forward.

To taking risk! 

If I hadn’t made the decisions I have made, a year from now I’d be planning my life with someone else…

The path that I have paved in these past years was a road to being a wife, a mother… to having a career in a different state..  to even finally getting a place with my would be husband.  WE were settled.   In a blink of an eye, everything changes.

It’s life.  Things happen.  People change.  We need to move on because time sure as hell doesn’t wait for anyone.

Now that I am alone, free, and well I will state again, “ALONE” I am desperately seeking the pieces of the puzzle I need to be a better person for myself. I definitely need to grow alone and make decisions on my own.

I have kept myself busy with really GREAT friends, but then there are moments like these that reminds me of change and the steps I need to take in order to find myself.

Let this journey be a great one.

look ahead and be positive can be difficult.  I have found a temporary type happiness, by going out, spending time with friends and by also working out, but it’s all so transient.

=\

I was asked by a friend today, “Do you regret the decisions you’ve made?”

I believe I have weighed the pros and cons.  But to know if it was “right” or “wrong” that would be later on in life.

All I can tell you is that it hurts from time to time.  Actually it still hurts, but that’s why I keep myself busy.  I’m afraid to sleep.  I’m afraid to think.

I do not think I would be able to tolerate anymore bad news.

I am ready for great things.  I’m tired of being sad.

it’s amazing how you can feel two separate emotions in a span of days, one of intense happiness…to another of deep sorrow.   Oh well, it happens and life moves on.

At the tail end of a broken a relationship, you would think certain people would be supportive… but no, it’s amazing how it feels to get kicked when you’re already down.  But that’s life.  It happens.  And if you’re me, well it happens a lot.   Because if you can get through this, you can get through anything!

After over a month of teeter tottering, I’ve made a decision to not reconcile.  The list of issues are a mile long.  I gave myself over a month to think and in the end it’s the right decision.

If I am destined for more unhappiness, I welcome it.  For now, it’s my career and my own immediate family that matters.

And I don’t want to talk about it.  No need to convince me otherwise.  I really thought this through.

This week I have A LOT to be GRATEFUL FOR:

1.  I am now a newsletter coordinator!  Thanks to the wonderful rec. of my old DC, I wouldn’t have this position.  And he’s been more than helpful!

2.  For falling in love with chemistry!  I am insanely in love with chemistry.

3.  My great friends for putting up with me.  I think the single life would suck without them.  They’re always there to bring me back to my feet.  <3

4.  My stock research knowledge .  Thanks to Dan for always testing and teaching me.

5.  I am starting L&D!  =D

Seriously, there is a lot to be grateful for.  I am just glad that I’m slowly making progress into my future.  I can almost taste success…  This journey is so wonderful.  It’s hard, but I love it.

seriously.. I have tears of happiness right now because I’m that grateful!  I LOVE YOU ALL!